How to help a hoarder declutter
How do you help a person declutter who refuses to get rid of anything?
It's no simple task to get clutter our of a hoarder's home.
To succeed in this mission, you need a decluttering method.
You also need a strategy that builds cooperation with your hoarder.
Finally, I'll share insights on a hoarder's end of the conversation.
First, the decluttering method.
Magic Squares, a decluttering method
Magic Squares is a way to systematically replace clutter with space.
In a nutshell…
More space -> easier decisions making -> empowerment.
More space and feeling empowered usually ignites more decluttering.
The cycle repeats:
More space -> easier decisions -> more empowered & more ability to cooperate. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
This positive cycle is how Magic Squares builds collaboration and momentum during the tedious business of decluttering.
Related posts, for when you're done reading this post.
The high level sort that gets you out of this mess
Yikes!!
There's no space to sort in this room.
To make progress in a room like the above picture, three things need to happen at the same time.
- Sort when there’s no space to sort.
- A high level sort with the proper sorting categories.
- Build concentrated space.
How to choose high level sort categories (zones)
Sorting to Piles VS sorting to Zones.
In a big declutter it must be clear that clutter is being split up.
And that vetted items will be moved where they belong.
"Zones" better describes this process than "piles."
1) Zones suggest a stronger separation between each other and the clutter pile.
Think: Zones can't meld together. There's a fence and mote around each zone.
2) Piles don't give further direction.
A zone, on the other hand, is the location where vetted items belong: garage, kitchen, bedroom 1, my sister's house, garbage, etc.
For a successful declutter, managing zones is as important as deciding what stays & what goes.
You only need a few zones / categories, or it gets too hard to figure out where vetted items go.
But, you need enough zones / categories to split up the clutter.
Too many or too few zones is how decluttering goes wrong.
Here is the way people often set up categories: 1 keep category, garbage, donate, recycle, and sell.
The single keep zone is a miscellaneous pile of stuff (so, a clutter pile.)
It needs to be sorted again to break up the clutter. And maybe, again and again and again.
You aren't breaking up the clutter this way.
Instead, set up zones according to where the vetted items are going.
Keep zones: this room, living room, bathroom, bedroom1, basement, etc.
Discard zones: garbage, donate recycle, shred, and sell.
This is the high level stage of the sort. It requires high level zones / categories.
Now, we can expect that the high level sort for Bedroom 1 will turn up clothes.
Don't create multiple Bedroom1 Zones for clothes (summer clothes, winter clothes, evening wear, sports, etc.)
One Bedroom 1 Zone, with everything that's going to Bedroom 1, is all that's needed.
The Magic Square steps
Magic Square steps are simple. but they may not feel intuitive.
Follow the steps on faith, and the magic of Magic Squares will reveal itself.
- You pick a Magic Square.
- Your hoarder decides what stays & goes for every item in the Square.
- Vetted items go to appropriate zones.
- Pick a new adjacent Magic Square.
- Repeat.
The steps are expanded on after the following diagrams.
You don't need a vision to get started
A vision for how a room will look after decluttering can be motivating.
Making a spare room into a reading room with a cozy chair is a vision.
A vision is nice to have.
Just know that you don't need it to get started, because decluttering is a systematic exercise.
Sometimes "a vision" means figuring out the clutter and where everything will go before you get started.
Figuring out the clutter in a room is mission impossible.
You don't know what's in the clutter.
You figure that out by decluttering.
Commit to a decluttering schedule
The schedule is set before the project begins.
If you were being paid, you’d put times in your calendar.
That’s the approach needed for this project.
Don’t agree to 1 or 2 hour sessions, you’ll never get the work done.
Start with 3 hour sessions, 2 times per week.
As the project progresses increase the number of sessions per week.
Decluttering roles
You, the helper, leads the process and picks the Magic Squares.
Your hoarder makes keep / discard decisions.
You guide your hoarder through a decluttering path of adjacent Magic Squares, which replaces clutter with concentrated space.
Don’t avoid a section of clutter because you’re afraid your hoarder won’t make a decision.
For the magic to happen, squares must be vetted in adjacent order.
Don't fuss over square dimensions
A Magic Square can be a square or a rectangle.
Specific dimensions aren't important.
It just has to be a small area: 1’ x 1’, 2’ x 3’, etc.
Helpful but not essential...
It’s helpful, if one or two sides of the square is a wall or physical barrier such as furniture.
Strong boundaries increase focus.
Vet every single item in a Magic Square
No cherry picking decluttering.
No decide later-s. No decide later piles.
If your hoarder can’t decide, it’s a keeper.
Make sure vetted item get to their proper Zone.
Above all, vetted items never go back into the clutter.
You must have an exit strategy for Discard Zones
Hoarders often offer to remove donations, which never get removed.
Same thing for sale items, and items going to friends.
Don’t create piles to decide later.
If sell / donations / friend items stay in the hoarder’s home, call it a keep.
How to build decluttering cooperation with your hoarder
Hoarders don't have decluttering goals out of the box
The only reason a hoarder declutters is to face a serious threat, like eviction.
Getting rid of this threat is the goal.
That’s the starting point, before work begins.
Goals do form as work progresses.
You can’t predict what those goals will be.
Mark: 5 days into a hoarding cleanup
Mark was quite pleased that he had enough room to work out in his living room.
I bet that never came up as a goal in a therapist’s chair.
Not because Mark is a difficult person.
Rather, the goal surfaced when he had less clutter to fuss over.
Melissa, 3-hours into a hoarding cleanup
Melissa was happy to learn how full a recycling bag needs to put it outside.
The moral of these stories is this.
A hoarder in midst of clutter doesn’t have room for goals needed for life changing events.
Guarding clutter-mountains is a full time job.
Emotional decluttering vs Systematic decluttering
Most people, not just hoarders, declutter emotionally.
There’s a lot of cherry picking and decide later-s.
Uncomfortable decisions are skipped, which is how clutter grows.
You can do a lot of emotional decluttering and get nowhere.
Instead of working emotionally, declutter systematically.
Vet Magic Square after adjacent Magic Square to replace clutter with space.
Scrap the empathy
First, expressing empathy is in the emotional realm, and we know that doesn’t work for decluttering.
But mostly here's what goes wrong with expressing empathy during a declutter.
You don’t feel your hoarder’s pain, nor do you want to.
It’s noteworthy that hoarder’s aren’t always empathetic to each other.
They watch hoarding shows for the same reasons as everyone else does.
There is a time and place for empathy.
It’s just not in decluttering sessions.
The big mistake we all make when helping a hoarder declutter: overstepping
You move into deciding for your hoarder, because they aren’t deciding.
This is the beginning of overstepping.
It starts with a question like: “Why are you keeping this???”
A question that’s really making a point.
This escalates to point-for-point arguments.
Escalating to a contest of wills.
For you, the worst case is the next level, where you decide to fix your hoarder.
Don't go down this road.
Cooperation is built by systematic decluttering
All of this is why you must declutter systematically, never emotionally.
In systematic decluttering, you have a role (guide) and your hoarder has a role (keep / discard decider.)
There are rules to follow (Magic Squares Decluttering Method.)
Follow the Magic Square steps, and it won’t take long for cooperation and momentum to build.
The hoarder's end of the conversation
Hoarders suffer from anxiety, big-time
For whatever reason, hoarding is a solution for your hoarder.
When you try to take away that solution, anxiety shifts to maximum anxiety.
Your hoarder may not be a selfish person.
But hoarding comes with a self-absorbed state of mind, essentially survival mode.
There’s no interest in collaboration or cooperation or any thinking that gets work done with another person.
Snapping out of hoarding thinking does happen (for short periods)
This is why serious threats work to get action out of hoarders.
Anxiety is interrupted, freeing up the hoarder to deal with a bigger threat than the one in their head.
You get cooperation, as long as the interruption is in effect.
Hoarders can be surprisingly socially-conscious.
“I’m not the sort of person who keeps out of date mail ads.”
Leveraging sociable instincts to gain cooperation can work depending on how much of a people-person you’re dealing with.
Talk about yourself and what you want.
Stick to benefits for you, not for your hoarder.
“I’m not lugging this bin anymore. My knees are screaming.”
Hoarders have difficulty managing priorities
Even a saint would lose it with the lame excuses that come out of a hoarder’s mouth.
Me: “There’s a fire inspection in 3 days. You really want to keep all this old cardboard?
Client: “Yes, I need it to make a costume for my son. I’m so excited that I finally have the motivation to do it.”
Here's another way to look at the lame excuses.
Hoarders can’t prioritize.
You won't get anywhere telling them how you feel about their plan.
Remember...
Point-for-point arguments --> Contest of wills --> You trying to fix your hoarder.
This is why Magic Squares are small areas.
Your hoarder makes a few decisions and gets a win.
It’s like a game you play together.
Here’s the good news.
It doesn’t take a lot of concentrated space for a shift to begin.
What do you do if your hoarder wants your job?
This is a super frustrating thing to come up against.
In a nutshell, your hoarder wants to be in the lead (your job) and make keep / discard decisions (their job.)
You're there just in case they get stuck.
Point-by-point arguments are absolutely not allowed.
So... What do you do?
Let your hoarder pick the decluttering path.
Remember, you are there just in case your hoarder gets stuck.
It won't take long for that to happen.
Hoarders don't have a Garbage Model (yet)
Hoarders don’t know what’s OK to throw out and are terrified of making a mistake.
Essentially, a hoarder doesn't have a Garbage Model, but desperately needs one.
Garbage Models aren’t discovered through conversation.
Nothing will happen if you try to get your hoarder to think about what they see as garbage.
A reveal happens naturally by the pressure a hoarder experiences during decluttering.
It’s a massive relief to find something that you truly see as garbage.
The first “garbage” item becomes a model of what’s OK to throw out.
Much about values is also revealed during the process.
A Garbage Model isn’t the same as discard rules.
Read more about it here.
https://organizemystuff.xyz/what-the-heck-is-a-garbage-model/
The right support gets longer-lasting results
People with the right support improve faster and experience longer lasting effects from decluttering.
What is “the right support?”
It depends on the person.
"What do you need to do this work," is a question often posed before solving any big problem.
Start with a genuine question.
“We know decluttering is going to happen. What would help you be part of it”?
The question will certainly surprise your hoarder.
The answer might surprise you.